Dealing with exclusion

You know what sometimes homeschooling really does have it's setbacks. The long days when you aren't feeling well, and dealing with friendships. See when you are sticking your children with other kids all day five days a week they will generally form a bond with one another. It is different when homeschooling, they don't see the same kids everyday. It depends on the activity and where you are as to who there is to interact with. I strive very hard most days to get the boys out and about. They are very social kids and they have no qualms with playing with anyone else.

The problem is trying to help create that bond. Most people search for the solid friendship with another human being. Most people look for their best friend. Sure in the younger years your best friend may only last a few weeks, but it is an important relationship building experience.

Now I live where there are apparently lots of kids but you don't see them. Any of them, seriously. I can throw rocks at an elementary school from my front door and except for morning and after school I really don't see other children. Sure when we go over to the park there may be one or two but there isn't a ton. I have tried connecting with other families in the homeschooling. It seems that connecting is hard and limited. At least for us. The strange thing is we have a very fluid schedule. It feels like others just don't want to connect with us. :(

It is hard knowing that you are being excluded. It is even harder knowing that your child is being excluded. When that sweet smiling face looks at you wanting to know if they can go play with the other child and you have to tell them that they are busy. Then they hear at the next group gathering how they  were playing with another child. Then he looks at you with his loving kind blue eyes and asks why don't they want to be his friend and play with him anymore. I have to smile back at him and tell him that I have no idea. I really don't.

Some people think that homeschooling you will be free of bullying and peer exclusion. They are wrong. You can limit it, but it can almost be worse. Not only is another child excluding your child, but their parents are actively facilitating it. It sucks, it really does.

As a victim of excessive bullying, I strive to teach my children to be kind to others. It pains me when he doesn't understand why others are unkind. It just doesn't come to him, he wants to play with everyone. I guess I just live in a slightly different world from those around me.

Have you had to deal with your child being intentional excluded? How did you deal with it?

Works well with others.........

What does it mean to work well with others? Seriously? Everyone put it on their resume and it is such a token comment in any interview. It is something that children are graded on in school even. I'm looking at the world and wondering what does it really mean "works well with others"?

Honestly in my opinion the expectations of today's society there is a major change in the wording needed, to explain what is expected. Works well for others! This is what is really wanted in most situations. Some one who is compliant and does what they are told with no resistance. This makes me sad, especially for children. Adults have more choice in the matter. If they don't like the situation they are allowed to change it, children not so much.

Now when I think of a good team scenario I think of people who compliment each other, all having different strengths and weaknesses and corroborating together. This far too often isn't what really happens in many situations, sure in some but really in most it isn't. You have your boss and they tell you what to do.

I personally find it more and more that "works well with others" really is meaning I listen well and do as I'm told. Very rarely are people wanting someone with drive and ambition, who are wanting to move forwards and makes changes where they need to be made. What is wanted is someone who will put their head down and work, won't cause confrontation or problems. Just simply do as wanted.

Is that who you want your child to be? Is that who you want to be? If you do then great, but I don't. I want to work with others. I want to be free to make choices and decisions  I would like people to be open to new ideas, not just what corporate wants. I do not want to be a drone and I don't want my children to be forced into becoming one. I want them to love life and enjoy.

My kids would never......

Admit it you have thought it. Your kids are always so much better behaved then    ( insert names )    kids. You know they are just better all around, because you are a far better parent. Now do you seriously believe that? That you are so much better then they are? Really?

Sometimes I know it is hard to not compare our kids with someone else's. Especially when your children are doing the opposite of the other person's.  I know I am guilty of it. Now I have been on both sides of the issue. Sometimes the boys are WILD and I am sooooo embarrassed. I have no idea what has gotten into them but someone must of slipped them crazy pills. Those were honestly earlier days in my parenting when I didn't realize that sometimes kids are just crazy, I still have moments when I feel so hot with embarrassment but that is my own issue not theirs. I'm sure people think my children at times are just wild nut balls and I don't care about how they behave. I'm sure some people think I'm too lenient on them, on the flip side I'm sure there are times when people think I am too hard on them..

I am a big believe of " place and time", for most behaviors there is a place and time. They are just children after all and learning the world that they live in. They have little bodies that desire to move, a lot. They have brains that desire to be filled with knowledge, so they seek out new experiences and want to know about everything around them. They have amazing imaginations, so there are a lot more wonders in their world.

There are a few things where I do stand my ground with my children. They will be kind and inculsive, I have run into times when they don't want to play with a particular child. I will pull my child aside and ask them 1st why the don't want to play with them? 2nd if they would like to be treated this way. Now if the other child is being unkind and that is why my child doesn't want to play that is understandable. I will though if it seems to be a problem encourage my child to approach the other child and see if something can be worked out. Now at time i will need to mediate remember my children are still young. These though are life skills, these are needed to be leaned. So when I see a parent being totally okay ith their child being rude and intentionally excluding, I definitely get a " my child would never behave like that ".

 Another is speaking disrespectfully, now it has happened a few times where on of the children have been sassy and rude, but I deal with it and if they choose to be like that then they choose to not be in the situation. Hateful mean words & tone are not needed. There is usually an amicable way to deal with whatever the situation is. It is though the parents I see who continually allow their children to spew hate at them or others and not do anything about it. No acknowledgement of wrong doing or how they are hurting another person with their words. I really shake my head. now it is not my place to judge as I may be witnessing something that has come to a head and it just can't be dealt with at that moment or it could be disastrous  Though I do find it happening more and more. Kindness, love and respect seem to be things of the past, relics almost.  Yes though when I hear children spewing at their parents that they hate them or even clearly controlling their parents will with the child's attitude I will do a " my kids would never..."

Now I'm not perfect, heck far from it but I parent with love and respect. I will always love my children, I know that they love me to even when they are mad. Sometimes we don't know how to deal with our children and their behaviors  Sometimes we believe that a parenting class should be required to have children With on going training, because we know that sometimes the on the job training sucks. I hope we are all doing the best we can with the tools we are given. We don't always know everyone's story, but we can help them create new chapters in their books.  So maybe next time you seem someone struggling with their children instead of thinking " my kid's would never be such awful horrible little beings, their mother must let run all over her!" Ask her if she needs a hand, be a friend. maybe even smile and think good thought about her and her children and wish her the best.

So what about you, Have you ever had a " my kids would never....."

For a Real Change!

By now most of the modern world has heard about the tragedy of Amanda Todd. A young British Columbian girl who took her life last Wednesday, as a final escape from the torment others were putting her through. The kind of bullying this poor child had to endure, was awful. She had made some mistakes as a child, unfortunately they had very long lasting effects, her mistakes followed her, because we as a society allowed them to follow her.

In the days of all this cyber bullying you simply can not get away from it. Once a photo or video is out there is is out there for ever.  Even if you personally delete it some one may have already taken a copy. Though there could have been a stop to the torment and bullying. If people stopped "sharing" before they think, maybe this could have been stopped. If we as a society said no! No more, this was something that happened in the past lets move on.

When I was in school the internet was really just starting to catch on. There was nothing like Facebook, closest you got was Myspace. When someone made a mistake you were at times judged and picked on, but the once it got old it usually stopped. If it was so bad that you had to move schools very rarely would it follow you. Now though, simple click and shares, run your torment not just through your personal life but the entire world.

Still even after this poor child has done away with her life to try and get away from this, now her family is having to endure the torture. Every day there are new groups of people, commeters, who are keeping the violence going. Harsh words like "drama queen", "Glad she is dead", "slut", "she deserved it", are still continuing to be said. This is awful and brings tears to my eyes and pain in my heart. I can only begin to imagine what her mother feels reading these words about her lovely baby girl. This needs to stop and there needs to be a real change. It needs to start in the home, in all of our homes.

We need to change our world and our views. We need to not just say " stop bullying" or wear a pink shirt. We need to think, think about our actions. Think about the words we say to our children and each other.

We need to stop judging others where we may have also failed. We need to stop allowing victims to keep being victimized. We need to stop the continual cycle of saying it's okay and that you were justified in what you said.

We need to speak to our children in ways that teach them how to speak to others. We should not abuse our spouses or others around us. We need to model the behavior we want our children to show. If we want our children to use kind words and appropriated language to other then we should use it towards then. Our words need to start showing in our actions. We need to lift up, instead of pull down.

I have been a victim of bullies, school yard bullies and a bullies in my very own home. I know the pain of having someone tell you that the world would be better off if you were dead. I have been hit, threatened, screamed at, and made to feel like nothing is worth living. I have been to the brink of thinking about ending it. It is no a fun or joyous place to be. It is dark and very scary. The physical scar is faded but the one on my heart may never truly heal. I am now in a place where those thought are not permitted in my mind because I know right now what I have to live for, that I matter.

Though for a young child a teenager who is tormented sometimes when enough people make you feel like shit and just keep telling you to die. That looks like a real option. Please change you attitudes, change your words. This does not have to happen anymore. It doesn't matter why they are being bullied, it  NEEDS TO STOP. 

This starts right now with me, and can continue to you. Are you just going to say the words or are you actually going to make a change in this world?

Shame on you

Lately I have been seeing a lot of posts about parents publicly shaming their children, on Facebook nonetheless. I personally don't understand why many parents think this is going to teach a child anything. Has your child really learned from the experience? Or have they just learned how to not get caught next time?

I would bet dollars to doughnuts that your child will just be more careful to not get caught. Shame doesn't teach a lesson it makes you feel like crap for what you did, it makes you resentful of the person who has made you look bad. Don't believe me? Think back to the last time the someone made you look dumb infornt of all your friends. Did you feel all warm and fuzzy towards them? Probably not. I know I hate to have my dirty laundry aired. I imagine today's children don't feel any different.

Now I can see a parents thinking with doing the shame thing on Facebook. I really can see the thought process. It doesn't mean I condone it at all. You child has done something and you are mad. You want them to pretty much feel like shit for what they did and so that the point get driven home you want to do something drastic so they realize the magnitude of your anger. You want their friends to realize that it is not okay to do this, maybe the other kids parents too! Your child will never ever do this again, they will be so embarrassed they will smarten up and behave themselves.  Sure it sounds like a great plan, but have you dealt with the issue at hand? Or have you just shown your power and ability to control your child?

Getting into a power struggle with a child, teen or really anyone isn't going to end well. When you get into power struggles someone always loses. Unless your goal as a parent is to be the winner and defeat your child this is not going to be a long term parenting system. Children who are under a heavy handed control system while they are children are likely going to look for this relationship their adult life. This may be in many form, could be continuing to need parental approval, a controlling spouse or work situation. Or they could swing the other way where once out from under the controlling roof they decide that they will be the one in control. They will typically look to be on the power side of the relationship and controlling those weaker or less then they are. Yes these are both extremes, though this is a reality of this kind of parenting. Intentionally shaming children into submission is abuse, and it can have major side effects.

Now many parents will say that they have tried it all and nothing is working, this is the only things that works. I ask you though how many times have you tried the other methods? Once, twice? Are you consistent in looking for respectful ways to speak and discipline your children? Now I mean appropriate discipline, where it is reasonable, simple, valuable,  and   practical?  The consequence should fit the offense. I know the desire to yell and threaten and remove any sort of fun is very tempting. Though is it going to teach the child anything? Consequences that are reasonable, simple, valuable and practical , that are done with the child and their growth as a person in mind go a lot further.

So stop the shame and thinks about the future. Would you want your children telling your friends about the things you do wrong? Would you want the fact that you need to be in diapers or forgot your tetth at home on the evening news? Just remember while you are the adult now and the one making the rules, one day the tables can flip and you will depend on your children. Where do you want your relationship to be?

Judge me not ~ Love me always

Have you ever been judged harshly for doing what you love? Doing something important? Something you believe in? All of us have been judged in one way or another. It saddens me the way we judge our fellow humans for the choices they make just because they are different from ours. I think what saddens me more is we so very often do it in the name of GOD. People who say they are Christians far too often are some of the most judgmental people I know.

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I love this quote from President Dieter F. Uchtdorft of the First Presidency in the LDS Church. 

This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

Stop it!
It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t know exactly how to articulate this point of not judging others with sufficient eloquence, passion, and persuasion to make it stick. I can quote scripture, I can try to expound doctrine, and I will even quote a bumper sticker I recently saw. It was attached to the back of a car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson. It read, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”

That was from the April 2012 General Conference. I have found that this simple text seems to have resonated with many people not just of the LDS affiliation. It is simple and to the point. If you are Christian and say you follow the teaching of the Father and Son, then stop hating and judging. 

We all have a place in our lives where we can improve. We all have places where we fail in our day to day lives. We are an imperfect people, there is no perfect person. Anyone who says differently is lying and that there is their sin.

Whatever it is that you don't agree with then don't engage in that activity for yourself. No one is making you gay, black, christian or whatever. That is the beauty of this world we live in. You have a choice! You get to make your choices every single day. You can choose what to eat, what to wear and what to believe. You even in the free world the the freedom to choose what you say. Sometimes what you say will hold consequences for you, because some one will judge you, whether they should or not. Right now even what you put on social media will have repercussions.  

Simply if you claim to be of Christian values, then hold true Christian values. Jesus loved everyone, he hung out with the outcasts, he sat with the poor and wealthy alike. If you follow his teachings then truly follow them. Stop judging others because they hold different values than you. 

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. ... Luke 16:27-36

 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”   John 13:34-35

A few simple verses from the Bible where Christian get their teachings from. I don't care to hear about how there is scriptural verse against whatever sin you are against because first and foremost we are instructed to love. With the same unconditional love that given to just by Heavenly Father and Jesus. The sin is to be judged at the end of days. Now you can live your life with standards and if you chose to not have certain people in your life that is your choice but you still can love them and treat them with respect. I choose to keep people in my life who enrich my life. Their affiliations whether sexual or religious do not need to matter, it is the person I see. If they are good people who stand up and live their lives with integrity and decency, who they go to bed with or what God they believe in or don't is not how I chose my friends. I don't interview every person I meet before I decide if I will be nice to them. I try not to pass judgement on someone before I smile and say hello. I do fail at this sometimes but the point is I try to emulate the teachings that I believe in.

I am for LOVE ALWAYS!

I am for FREEDOM!

The BREAST of New York

Wow it seems like I keep coming across boobs in New York today. You know what I fully support it too!

Have you heard of Moira Johnston? She is a topless dancer in New York who bares her breasts during the day for activism. You can read the official story here on the Huffington Post. To sum it up, she wants women to know that they don't have to hide their breasts. It is legal in quite a few places actually for women to bare their breasts. I know where we live there is quite a controversy about it. There is a topless lady in our town, but she is not nearly perceived as well as Moira, might have to do that she is significantly older than New York's top less wonder.
Now some people really have an issue with topless women. I really don't understand the issue that so many have. They just simply are breasts, women just happen to have larger mammory glands therefor generally larger breast then men.  Most of the reason is the high sexualization on breasts. Women, especially their breast, are seen as sexual objects for a mans pleasure. Not really cool with that line of thinking. So many womens get all up in arms about " My Body My Choice" but still keep stigma going. Seriously people they are just boobs. They are used to feed and nourish our young, that really is their primary function. The fun is secondary. Which nicely leads into the next story I keep seeing.

Have you heard about the new breastfeeding stir in New York Hospitals? Mayor Bloomberg has gone breastfeeding friendly, but it is with opposition. You can read the actual press release here. I really applaud Mayor Bloomberg for his actions. I do believe that the formula advertising should be taken out of the hospitals. I don't believe in goodie bags of formula given to breastfeeding moms. It sets them up for failure. How do I think it sets them up for failure? When you have something else that you can feed your baby when you are exhausted and little support most will turn to the formula. Or just you need a few minutes so Daddy can feed the baby. Now there are so many things that other people can do for you and to help you with breastfeeding but giving you formula is not helping. It is not helping a mom when she says she is having troubles to just hand her a bottle of formula.
The formula companies are ruthless with their advertising, and I don't agree with it. I fully support Mayor Bloomberg's stance on we need to focus on breastfeeding it is what is designed for babies. Breast is what is best for them, breast is normal.

So there you have it New York and their concerns about breast, bare them and share them!

To share or not to share

Okay I love sharing I promote it regularly. I encourage sharing with my children, I want them to be willing to share their toys. Sharing is great, but the way sharing is taught by many parents is not. Yup pull out that shocked face as I discuss how I don't like the general way sharing is taught in our society.


Picture this if you will you have your child nicely playing with a toy they are as happy as can be. Another kid comes over and decided that they want that toy. They try to take it from your child, they are unsuccessful so they start to cry. Now you step in and tell your child that they need to share, and give the toy to the other child. o_O oookay please can anyone tell me how this is teaching children to share?!?!?!? In all serious I see this everywhere. You know what this is teaching children. That whining gets them what they want. Don't give the "oh they are just kids and I don't want my child to be greedy and selfish" Uh yea you must that is what you are teaching them. Sharing is not just giving up your stuff when someone asks for it. Sharing is not going over and demanding someone give you their stuff because you want it. It doesn't fly in the adult world why should it be what is expected of kids.
Children need to learn how to share. They really do, we are by nature generally pretty self absorbed. Little psychology lesson here. ( I like that kind of stuff)  When we are born we are primary controlled by our Id. It is our primary system that is pleasure driven and self satisfying. What the Id wants the Id gets. It seeks immediate satisfaction, it doesn't focus on morality. Once they become a bit older, around 3, our Ego develops. ( not to be confused with what were refer to  as pride and lacking of humility in many people ) This is where reality sneaks in and they become more aware of what life is outside of their own means. It acknowledges outside forces on their world and can use them. Next you have your Super Ego, also can be referred to as consciousness. Here is where our children are aware of the outside factors and actually care about cause and effect. So here is when you child is going acknowledge sharing and how it effects others. This will being to happen around 5.  Please note the word BEGIN! This is developmental it takes time, patience, loving behavior, and modelling.
Now of course you start younger with your children, in teaching sharing behavior. There are a few things to think about. 
Look at age. Kids develop in stages expecting kids younger then 2.5 to share readily is a bit unrealistic. They are still in their primal stages and they see their belongings and know it is theirs. Do you give your stuff away to anyone who walks by and thinks its nice? No? Well why the heck not, that's sharing isn't it? No? Why expect that of your child? Children will grow and develop in different stages,  sharing will come in time, usually.


Acknowledge the item of issue If your child has special toys or things that are new to them? These are likely toys that will be issue toys. New toys are awesome, everyone wants to play with them. For some kids that can be an issue they maybe don't want to share their brand new toy with others. They fear things getting lost or broken and that needs to be acknowledged. The same goes for their special toys. They should probably be put away for play times with others or not brought into play groups and such. Yes sometimes they will not separate from that special item, and you will have to be their voice letting others know that it is not a sharing item.


Choices Sometimes kids just don't want to share, it happens. Most adults don't want to share either. I want my children to be better than the general populous, so I encourage them to think of others, in regards to sharing. If they don't want to share an item I ask them to think about how they would feel. I do not force them to share. I ask them to think and then they can either choose to share or offer the other person a choice of another object. There are always choice is the matter, and your child deserves a choice. By giving choice you are allowing you child the ability to think about why they share, how sharing can make them and other feel. 




Now I feel that sharing is important and it needs to be taught. It does not need to be bullied into children though. True sharing with empathy and thought needs to be modeled and explained to our children. That is this Mama's thoughts. How do you teach sharing in your home?

Being a little different

Yup I am odd. I was really awkward as a kid and a teenager, heck as an adult. I have those awful embarrassing school photos, that people laugh at for years. I usually figured out trends as they were trending away. I was not cool or popular at all, I wasn't even on the uncool side, I was just different.




I wore hand me down clothes, that were very far out of style, and not the looping back cool items.  I didn't really feel pretty most of my childhood and teenaged years. I went through a long time just being invisible, or at least feeling that way. I went though phases of being bullied but mostly I was just ignored. It was hard never having any friends till I was a bit older. Elementary years sucked.
I went through a phase where I really tried to be like everyone else just so I could fit in somewhere. The problem was I became so many "people", that I really was still no one. I had trouble with a lot of basic social skills. I had a lot of trouble breaking out and meeting new people. I became afraid to be me, due to the fact I felt no one like the real me. I still have a problems with this in my adult life. I thought making friends in school was hard, try the real world it sucks.




I have a hard time conforming to one particular thing. I really am a bit of a mish mash of different things that I have liked along the way. I feel strongly about a number of things but I'm usually open to listening to others thoughts. Hey I really can't judge your for your wrong choices, they are yours to make. Yes I do think I am right for my life. Maybe not yours but it works for us.




I'm a bit sassy, I'm opinionated and I can be loud about stuff with people I know. Though usually I keep to myself with people who I don't know very well. I can appear rather shy to people who don't know me, and have even been called snobby.




I wear toe shoes and clothes that are comfortable. I'm usually pretty plain and not very noticeable. I used to have a hard time with being different but I have decided to embrace myself. Freckles and all! I'm who I am and that's not really going to change.

Humiliation in Schools? Is it okay?

Simple answer according to me NO. A big giant resounding NO! Recently i read this story on Yahoo,

Grade 3 student receives ‘catastrophe award’ for most homework excuses. I was honestly appalled by it, I couldn't believe that this was given out to a child. In this day and age where we are recognizing bullying and trying to put a stop to it, why is it okay for a teacher to do this to a child. I would love to think that maybe this was an isolated event, but no, a simple Google search will bring up thousands of results. Now I didn't go through every single one of them, I don't have that kind of time. Also my blood pressure I don't think would take the strain, and my blood pressure is usually just fine.
Now I really have thoughts on shame parenting. It doesn't work for us, it doesn't fly with me. Though I have tried it, in moments of desperation. I really don't see how shaming someone into doing something is going to be beneficial in the long run. Sure they may do it but it will not be with a willing heart, and likely with resentment.
I feel that as a society we really need to have a better understanding of supporting our children. Shaming them and embarrassing them is not a method to raise good functional members of society. It will just perpetuate society. Now I know there are many folks who think differently and that is your choice. Heck life would be pretty boring if we all agreed on everything.
What I do think more people should agree on it that when you are in a place of authority, you should uphold some sort of  appropriate behavior. Had it been a student that did this to another student it would not have been acceptable. Though for some reason when an adult does it. it should be seen as funny and acceptable. This is an awful double standard. We treat children as if they are greatly less than adults. You should remember they are the ones who are eventually going to be deciding which nursing home you go into.  Give them some respect and love and you will get it in return, eventually. Be the example for the next generation. If you don't like what you are seeing change it.
If we learn to treat others with love and respect life will work out. Working together like pieces of a puzzle. When forced they may go where you want them to go but it may not be where they belong.

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