For a Real Change!

By now most of the modern world has heard about the tragedy of Amanda Todd. A young British Columbian girl who took her life last Wednesday, as a final escape from the torment others were putting her through. The kind of bullying this poor child had to endure, was awful. She had made some mistakes as a child, unfortunately they had very long lasting effects, her mistakes followed her, because we as a society allowed them to follow her.

In the days of all this cyber bullying you simply can not get away from it. Once a photo or video is out there is is out there for ever.  Even if you personally delete it some one may have already taken a copy. Though there could have been a stop to the torment and bullying. If people stopped "sharing" before they think, maybe this could have been stopped. If we as a society said no! No more, this was something that happened in the past lets move on.

When I was in school the internet was really just starting to catch on. There was nothing like Facebook, closest you got was Myspace. When someone made a mistake you were at times judged and picked on, but the once it got old it usually stopped. If it was so bad that you had to move schools very rarely would it follow you. Now though, simple click and shares, run your torment not just through your personal life but the entire world.

Still even after this poor child has done away with her life to try and get away from this, now her family is having to endure the torture. Every day there are new groups of people, commeters, who are keeping the violence going. Harsh words like "drama queen", "Glad she is dead", "slut", "she deserved it", are still continuing to be said. This is awful and brings tears to my eyes and pain in my heart. I can only begin to imagine what her mother feels reading these words about her lovely baby girl. This needs to stop and there needs to be a real change. It needs to start in the home, in all of our homes.

We need to change our world and our views. We need to not just say " stop bullying" or wear a pink shirt. We need to think, think about our actions. Think about the words we say to our children and each other.

We need to stop judging others where we may have also failed. We need to stop allowing victims to keep being victimized. We need to stop the continual cycle of saying it's okay and that you were justified in what you said.

We need to speak to our children in ways that teach them how to speak to others. We should not abuse our spouses or others around us. We need to model the behavior we want our children to show. If we want our children to use kind words and appropriated language to other then we should use it towards then. Our words need to start showing in our actions. We need to lift up, instead of pull down.

I have been a victim of bullies, school yard bullies and a bullies in my very own home. I know the pain of having someone tell you that the world would be better off if you were dead. I have been hit, threatened, screamed at, and made to feel like nothing is worth living. I have been to the brink of thinking about ending it. It is no a fun or joyous place to be. It is dark and very scary. The physical scar is faded but the one on my heart may never truly heal. I am now in a place where those thought are not permitted in my mind because I know right now what I have to live for, that I matter.

Though for a young child a teenager who is tormented sometimes when enough people make you feel like shit and just keep telling you to die. That looks like a real option. Please change you attitudes, change your words. This does not have to happen anymore. It doesn't matter why they are being bullied, it  NEEDS TO STOP. 

This starts right now with me, and can continue to you. Are you just going to say the words or are you actually going to make a change in this world?

Shame on you

Lately I have been seeing a lot of posts about parents publicly shaming their children, on Facebook nonetheless. I personally don't understand why many parents think this is going to teach a child anything. Has your child really learned from the experience? Or have they just learned how to not get caught next time?

I would bet dollars to doughnuts that your child will just be more careful to not get caught. Shame doesn't teach a lesson it makes you feel like crap for what you did, it makes you resentful of the person who has made you look bad. Don't believe me? Think back to the last time the someone made you look dumb infornt of all your friends. Did you feel all warm and fuzzy towards them? Probably not. I know I hate to have my dirty laundry aired. I imagine today's children don't feel any different.

Now I can see a parents thinking with doing the shame thing on Facebook. I really can see the thought process. It doesn't mean I condone it at all. You child has done something and you are mad. You want them to pretty much feel like shit for what they did and so that the point get driven home you want to do something drastic so they realize the magnitude of your anger. You want their friends to realize that it is not okay to do this, maybe the other kids parents too! Your child will never ever do this again, they will be so embarrassed they will smarten up and behave themselves.  Sure it sounds like a great plan, but have you dealt with the issue at hand? Or have you just shown your power and ability to control your child?

Getting into a power struggle with a child, teen or really anyone isn't going to end well. When you get into power struggles someone always loses. Unless your goal as a parent is to be the winner and defeat your child this is not going to be a long term parenting system. Children who are under a heavy handed control system while they are children are likely going to look for this relationship their adult life. This may be in many form, could be continuing to need parental approval, a controlling spouse or work situation. Or they could swing the other way where once out from under the controlling roof they decide that they will be the one in control. They will typically look to be on the power side of the relationship and controlling those weaker or less then they are. Yes these are both extremes, though this is a reality of this kind of parenting. Intentionally shaming children into submission is abuse, and it can have major side effects.

Now many parents will say that they have tried it all and nothing is working, this is the only things that works. I ask you though how many times have you tried the other methods? Once, twice? Are you consistent in looking for respectful ways to speak and discipline your children? Now I mean appropriate discipline, where it is reasonable, simple, valuable,  and   practical?  The consequence should fit the offense. I know the desire to yell and threaten and remove any sort of fun is very tempting. Though is it going to teach the child anything? Consequences that are reasonable, simple, valuable and practical , that are done with the child and their growth as a person in mind go a lot further.

So stop the shame and thinks about the future. Would you want your children telling your friends about the things you do wrong? Would you want the fact that you need to be in diapers or forgot your tetth at home on the evening news? Just remember while you are the adult now and the one making the rules, one day the tables can flip and you will depend on your children. Where do you want your relationship to be?

Some Days I Severely Dislike Facebook

I have a major love/hate relationship with facebook. I love it for keeping connected and reconnecting with people. I can share photos with friends and family and chat with people without running up my phone bill. Facebook has allowed me to connect with people and stay in contact with others who I may have not seen again. Facebook is wonderful for these things and it has many good aspects of it, though there are some downfalls.

On Facebook is so easy to misunderstand people. In person it is much easier to understand tone and intent when you can actually hear a persons voice and often you will choose your word better. A lot of people use Facebook to hide behind they are all abrasive and forward, and say things they never would in person. Sometimes this is a good thing most times it is a bad thing. If you wouldn't normally say something to someone then just don't say it. Remember the good old advice from Thumper's dad. " If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I know sometimes that advice is super hard to follow. Sometimes you don't even say something intending to be mean and others interpret it as mean. Facebook can be a wonderful place for DRAMA, and I hate to say it but it is worse among us females. We have a whole new method of being catty and mean with Facebook. We message each other and talk about others. Sometimes it is speculation that they are talking about you other times you just know they are talking about you. We play little games and tags ourselves out with our friends, sometimes knowing that the person we left out is going to see and feel jealous. Facebook has given people a super easy way to bully, heck you don't even have to get dressed to make someone's life miserable.

Bullying aside, the drama that one can create on Facebook is just silly. I had seen a really funny meme the other day but I can't find it now. Which said " Quitting Facebook is just like running away from home, you know you'll be back!" It is so true, on a regualr basis I see people. They get all fired up and mad about something and want attention so they post saying that they are leaving Facebook. Their friends then tell them that Facebook wouldn't be the same, they are so sad to see them go and yada yada yada. If they leave they never leave for long, at least in my experience. It's drama plain and simple. Someone want to feel like they matter and for some if no one posts after they have had their status up, they simply delete it and post something else whiny. Sometimes it's not outwardly whiny though some times it is totally passive aggressive. Just pointed enough that the knowing party in which it is intended for will know what you are talking about, but no one else will.  Or even better people can ask you what is up and you can hash out your poor side of the story, playing even more of the victim.

Now don't get me wrong I'm all for passive aggressive behavior at time but when it is all the time it is annoying. Sometimes you need to be a bit subtle and underhanded with some people in order to get the message across, or to just make someone feel like crap. There are people who sometimes need to be taken down a peg or five.

I recently got to be in the middle one one of these Facebook girl fights and not just a bystander like normal. It really was silly I said something, and people didn't like the way I said it even though they agreed with me.  o_O I know sometimes people just want to pick fights. The girl I pretty much told to "own her issues and if it was important she would make it work" freaked out. Swore at me and just lost it. There life went a little high school from there with other girls cutting me down ( even thought they "agreed" with me ) Some standing up for me. the banter went back and forth for an hour or so and then it fizzled out. Only to be brought to life again on a totally unrelated topic. Well poop hit the fan and things were said, feeling were hurt, people got mad. One person left the group in the heat of the moment and all seemed to calm. The next day everything was revived by a certain offended person saying that maybe things weren't right for them and blah blah blah. They said they would leave in 48 hours and that you could say what you wanted to to them. o_O Once again attention seeking.. If you are leaving say goodbye and leave. don't stay around asking for people to be sad you are going say your piece and leave, that is if you are really done and not just looking for attention. Ugh I'm getting too old for this.

So in final bit. Please stop the Facebook drama. Talk to real people. Go outside and if someone says something that upsets you go to that person don't make a big deal over it. Have some tact and decency!