My kids would never......

Admit it you have thought it. Your kids are always so much better behaved then    ( insert names )    kids. You know they are just better all around, because you are a far better parent. Now do you seriously believe that? That you are so much better then they are? Really?

Sometimes I know it is hard to not compare our kids with someone else's. Especially when your children are doing the opposite of the other person's.  I know I am guilty of it. Now I have been on both sides of the issue. Sometimes the boys are WILD and I am sooooo embarrassed. I have no idea what has gotten into them but someone must of slipped them crazy pills. Those were honestly earlier days in my parenting when I didn't realize that sometimes kids are just crazy, I still have moments when I feel so hot with embarrassment but that is my own issue not theirs. I'm sure people think my children at times are just wild nut balls and I don't care about how they behave. I'm sure some people think I'm too lenient on them, on the flip side I'm sure there are times when people think I am too hard on them..

I am a big believe of " place and time", for most behaviors there is a place and time. They are just children after all and learning the world that they live in. They have little bodies that desire to move, a lot. They have brains that desire to be filled with knowledge, so they seek out new experiences and want to know about everything around them. They have amazing imaginations, so there are a lot more wonders in their world.

There are a few things where I do stand my ground with my children. They will be kind and inculsive, I have run into times when they don't want to play with a particular child. I will pull my child aside and ask them 1st why the don't want to play with them? 2nd if they would like to be treated this way. Now if the other child is being unkind and that is why my child doesn't want to play that is understandable. I will though if it seems to be a problem encourage my child to approach the other child and see if something can be worked out. Now at time i will need to mediate remember my children are still young. These though are life skills, these are needed to be leaned. So when I see a parent being totally okay ith their child being rude and intentionally excluding, I definitely get a " my child would never behave like that ".

 Another is speaking disrespectfully, now it has happened a few times where on of the children have been sassy and rude, but I deal with it and if they choose to be like that then they choose to not be in the situation. Hateful mean words & tone are not needed. There is usually an amicable way to deal with whatever the situation is. It is though the parents I see who continually allow their children to spew hate at them or others and not do anything about it. No acknowledgement of wrong doing or how they are hurting another person with their words. I really shake my head. now it is not my place to judge as I may be witnessing something that has come to a head and it just can't be dealt with at that moment or it could be disastrous  Though I do find it happening more and more. Kindness, love and respect seem to be things of the past, relics almost.  Yes though when I hear children spewing at their parents that they hate them or even clearly controlling their parents will with the child's attitude I will do a " my kids would never..."

Now I'm not perfect, heck far from it but I parent with love and respect. I will always love my children, I know that they love me to even when they are mad. Sometimes we don't know how to deal with our children and their behaviors  Sometimes we believe that a parenting class should be required to have children With on going training, because we know that sometimes the on the job training sucks. I hope we are all doing the best we can with the tools we are given. We don't always know everyone's story, but we can help them create new chapters in their books.  So maybe next time you seem someone struggling with their children instead of thinking " my kid's would never be such awful horrible little beings, their mother must let run all over her!" Ask her if she needs a hand, be a friend. maybe even smile and think good thought about her and her children and wish her the best.

So what about you, Have you ever had a " my kids would never....."

Wordless Wednesday~~~~~ This is Hallowe'en lalalala

Shame on you

Lately I have been seeing a lot of posts about parents publicly shaming their children, on Facebook nonetheless. I personally don't understand why many parents think this is going to teach a child anything. Has your child really learned from the experience? Or have they just learned how to not get caught next time?

I would bet dollars to doughnuts that your child will just be more careful to not get caught. Shame doesn't teach a lesson it makes you feel like crap for what you did, it makes you resentful of the person who has made you look bad. Don't believe me? Think back to the last time the someone made you look dumb infornt of all your friends. Did you feel all warm and fuzzy towards them? Probably not. I know I hate to have my dirty laundry aired. I imagine today's children don't feel any different.

Now I can see a parents thinking with doing the shame thing on Facebook. I really can see the thought process. It doesn't mean I condone it at all. You child has done something and you are mad. You want them to pretty much feel like shit for what they did and so that the point get driven home you want to do something drastic so they realize the magnitude of your anger. You want their friends to realize that it is not okay to do this, maybe the other kids parents too! Your child will never ever do this again, they will be so embarrassed they will smarten up and behave themselves.  Sure it sounds like a great plan, but have you dealt with the issue at hand? Or have you just shown your power and ability to control your child?

Getting into a power struggle with a child, teen or really anyone isn't going to end well. When you get into power struggles someone always loses. Unless your goal as a parent is to be the winner and defeat your child this is not going to be a long term parenting system. Children who are under a heavy handed control system while they are children are likely going to look for this relationship their adult life. This may be in many form, could be continuing to need parental approval, a controlling spouse or work situation. Or they could swing the other way where once out from under the controlling roof they decide that they will be the one in control. They will typically look to be on the power side of the relationship and controlling those weaker or less then they are. Yes these are both extremes, though this is a reality of this kind of parenting. Intentionally shaming children into submission is abuse, and it can have major side effects.

Now many parents will say that they have tried it all and nothing is working, this is the only things that works. I ask you though how many times have you tried the other methods? Once, twice? Are you consistent in looking for respectful ways to speak and discipline your children? Now I mean appropriate discipline, where it is reasonable, simple, valuable,  and   practical?  The consequence should fit the offense. I know the desire to yell and threaten and remove any sort of fun is very tempting. Though is it going to teach the child anything? Consequences that are reasonable, simple, valuable and practical , that are done with the child and their growth as a person in mind go a lot further.

So stop the shame and thinks about the future. Would you want your children telling your friends about the things you do wrong? Would you want the fact that you need to be in diapers or forgot your tetth at home on the evening news? Just remember while you are the adult now and the one making the rules, one day the tables can flip and you will depend on your children. Where do you want your relationship to be?

To share or not to share

Okay I love sharing I promote it regularly. I encourage sharing with my children, I want them to be willing to share their toys. Sharing is great, but the way sharing is taught by many parents is not. Yup pull out that shocked face as I discuss how I don't like the general way sharing is taught in our society.


Picture this if you will you have your child nicely playing with a toy they are as happy as can be. Another kid comes over and decided that they want that toy. They try to take it from your child, they are unsuccessful so they start to cry. Now you step in and tell your child that they need to share, and give the toy to the other child. o_O oookay please can anyone tell me how this is teaching children to share?!?!?!? In all serious I see this everywhere. You know what this is teaching children. That whining gets them what they want. Don't give the "oh they are just kids and I don't want my child to be greedy and selfish" Uh yea you must that is what you are teaching them. Sharing is not just giving up your stuff when someone asks for it. Sharing is not going over and demanding someone give you their stuff because you want it. It doesn't fly in the adult world why should it be what is expected of kids.
Children need to learn how to share. They really do, we are by nature generally pretty self absorbed. Little psychology lesson here. ( I like that kind of stuff)  When we are born we are primary controlled by our Id. It is our primary system that is pleasure driven and self satisfying. What the Id wants the Id gets. It seeks immediate satisfaction, it doesn't focus on morality. Once they become a bit older, around 3, our Ego develops. ( not to be confused with what were refer to  as pride and lacking of humility in many people ) This is where reality sneaks in and they become more aware of what life is outside of their own means. It acknowledges outside forces on their world and can use them. Next you have your Super Ego, also can be referred to as consciousness. Here is where our children are aware of the outside factors and actually care about cause and effect. So here is when you child is going acknowledge sharing and how it effects others. This will being to happen around 5.  Please note the word BEGIN! This is developmental it takes time, patience, loving behavior, and modelling.
Now of course you start younger with your children, in teaching sharing behavior. There are a few things to think about. 
Look at age. Kids develop in stages expecting kids younger then 2.5 to share readily is a bit unrealistic. They are still in their primal stages and they see their belongings and know it is theirs. Do you give your stuff away to anyone who walks by and thinks its nice? No? Well why the heck not, that's sharing isn't it? No? Why expect that of your child? Children will grow and develop in different stages,  sharing will come in time, usually.


Acknowledge the item of issue If your child has special toys or things that are new to them? These are likely toys that will be issue toys. New toys are awesome, everyone wants to play with them. For some kids that can be an issue they maybe don't want to share their brand new toy with others. They fear things getting lost or broken and that needs to be acknowledged. The same goes for their special toys. They should probably be put away for play times with others or not brought into play groups and such. Yes sometimes they will not separate from that special item, and you will have to be their voice letting others know that it is not a sharing item.


Choices Sometimes kids just don't want to share, it happens. Most adults don't want to share either. I want my children to be better than the general populous, so I encourage them to think of others, in regards to sharing. If they don't want to share an item I ask them to think about how they would feel. I do not force them to share. I ask them to think and then they can either choose to share or offer the other person a choice of another object. There are always choice is the matter, and your child deserves a choice. By giving choice you are allowing you child the ability to think about why they share, how sharing can make them and other feel. 




Now I feel that sharing is important and it needs to be taught. It does not need to be bullied into children though. True sharing with empathy and thought needs to be modeled and explained to our children. That is this Mama's thoughts. How do you teach sharing in your home?

Some Days I Severely Dislike Facebook

I have a major love/hate relationship with facebook. I love it for keeping connected and reconnecting with people. I can share photos with friends and family and chat with people without running up my phone bill. Facebook has allowed me to connect with people and stay in contact with others who I may have not seen again. Facebook is wonderful for these things and it has many good aspects of it, though there are some downfalls.

On Facebook is so easy to misunderstand people. In person it is much easier to understand tone and intent when you can actually hear a persons voice and often you will choose your word better. A lot of people use Facebook to hide behind they are all abrasive and forward, and say things they never would in person. Sometimes this is a good thing most times it is a bad thing. If you wouldn't normally say something to someone then just don't say it. Remember the good old advice from Thumper's dad. " If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I know sometimes that advice is super hard to follow. Sometimes you don't even say something intending to be mean and others interpret it as mean. Facebook can be a wonderful place for DRAMA, and I hate to say it but it is worse among us females. We have a whole new method of being catty and mean with Facebook. We message each other and talk about others. Sometimes it is speculation that they are talking about you other times you just know they are talking about you. We play little games and tags ourselves out with our friends, sometimes knowing that the person we left out is going to see and feel jealous. Facebook has given people a super easy way to bully, heck you don't even have to get dressed to make someone's life miserable.

Bullying aside, the drama that one can create on Facebook is just silly. I had seen a really funny meme the other day but I can't find it now. Which said " Quitting Facebook is just like running away from home, you know you'll be back!" It is so true, on a regualr basis I see people. They get all fired up and mad about something and want attention so they post saying that they are leaving Facebook. Their friends then tell them that Facebook wouldn't be the same, they are so sad to see them go and yada yada yada. If they leave they never leave for long, at least in my experience. It's drama plain and simple. Someone want to feel like they matter and for some if no one posts after they have had their status up, they simply delete it and post something else whiny. Sometimes it's not outwardly whiny though some times it is totally passive aggressive. Just pointed enough that the knowing party in which it is intended for will know what you are talking about, but no one else will.  Or even better people can ask you what is up and you can hash out your poor side of the story, playing even more of the victim.

Now don't get me wrong I'm all for passive aggressive behavior at time but when it is all the time it is annoying. Sometimes you need to be a bit subtle and underhanded with some people in order to get the message across, or to just make someone feel like crap. There are people who sometimes need to be taken down a peg or five.

I recently got to be in the middle one one of these Facebook girl fights and not just a bystander like normal. It really was silly I said something, and people didn't like the way I said it even though they agreed with me.  o_O I know sometimes people just want to pick fights. The girl I pretty much told to "own her issues and if it was important she would make it work" freaked out. Swore at me and just lost it. There life went a little high school from there with other girls cutting me down ( even thought they "agreed" with me ) Some standing up for me. the banter went back and forth for an hour or so and then it fizzled out. Only to be brought to life again on a totally unrelated topic. Well poop hit the fan and things were said, feeling were hurt, people got mad. One person left the group in the heat of the moment and all seemed to calm. The next day everything was revived by a certain offended person saying that maybe things weren't right for them and blah blah blah. They said they would leave in 48 hours and that you could say what you wanted to to them. o_O Once again attention seeking.. If you are leaving say goodbye and leave. don't stay around asking for people to be sad you are going say your piece and leave, that is if you are really done and not just looking for attention. Ugh I'm getting too old for this.

So in final bit. Please stop the Facebook drama. Talk to real people. Go outside and if someone says something that upsets you go to that person don't make a big deal over it. Have some tact and decency!