For a Real Change!

By now most of the modern world has heard about the tragedy of Amanda Todd. A young British Columbian girl who took her life last Wednesday, as a final escape from the torment others were putting her through. The kind of bullying this poor child had to endure, was awful. She had made some mistakes as a child, unfortunately they had very long lasting effects, her mistakes followed her, because we as a society allowed them to follow her.

In the days of all this cyber bullying you simply can not get away from it. Once a photo or video is out there is is out there for ever.  Even if you personally delete it some one may have already taken a copy. Though there could have been a stop to the torment and bullying. If people stopped "sharing" before they think, maybe this could have been stopped. If we as a society said no! No more, this was something that happened in the past lets move on.

When I was in school the internet was really just starting to catch on. There was nothing like Facebook, closest you got was Myspace. When someone made a mistake you were at times judged and picked on, but the once it got old it usually stopped. If it was so bad that you had to move schools very rarely would it follow you. Now though, simple click and shares, run your torment not just through your personal life but the entire world.

Still even after this poor child has done away with her life to try and get away from this, now her family is having to endure the torture. Every day there are new groups of people, commeters, who are keeping the violence going. Harsh words like "drama queen", "Glad she is dead", "slut", "she deserved it", are still continuing to be said. This is awful and brings tears to my eyes and pain in my heart. I can only begin to imagine what her mother feels reading these words about her lovely baby girl. This needs to stop and there needs to be a real change. It needs to start in the home, in all of our homes.

We need to change our world and our views. We need to not just say " stop bullying" or wear a pink shirt. We need to think, think about our actions. Think about the words we say to our children and each other.

We need to stop judging others where we may have also failed. We need to stop allowing victims to keep being victimized. We need to stop the continual cycle of saying it's okay and that you were justified in what you said.

We need to speak to our children in ways that teach them how to speak to others. We should not abuse our spouses or others around us. We need to model the behavior we want our children to show. If we want our children to use kind words and appropriated language to other then we should use it towards then. Our words need to start showing in our actions. We need to lift up, instead of pull down.

I have been a victim of bullies, school yard bullies and a bullies in my very own home. I know the pain of having someone tell you that the world would be better off if you were dead. I have been hit, threatened, screamed at, and made to feel like nothing is worth living. I have been to the brink of thinking about ending it. It is no a fun or joyous place to be. It is dark and very scary. The physical scar is faded but the one on my heart may never truly heal. I am now in a place where those thought are not permitted in my mind because I know right now what I have to live for, that I matter.

Though for a young child a teenager who is tormented sometimes when enough people make you feel like shit and just keep telling you to die. That looks like a real option. Please change you attitudes, change your words. This does not have to happen anymore. It doesn't matter why they are being bullied, it  NEEDS TO STOP. 

This starts right now with me, and can continue to you. Are you just going to say the words or are you actually going to make a change in this world?

Shame on you

Lately I have been seeing a lot of posts about parents publicly shaming their children, on Facebook nonetheless. I personally don't understand why many parents think this is going to teach a child anything. Has your child really learned from the experience? Or have they just learned how to not get caught next time?

I would bet dollars to doughnuts that your child will just be more careful to not get caught. Shame doesn't teach a lesson it makes you feel like crap for what you did, it makes you resentful of the person who has made you look bad. Don't believe me? Think back to the last time the someone made you look dumb infornt of all your friends. Did you feel all warm and fuzzy towards them? Probably not. I know I hate to have my dirty laundry aired. I imagine today's children don't feel any different.

Now I can see a parents thinking with doing the shame thing on Facebook. I really can see the thought process. It doesn't mean I condone it at all. You child has done something and you are mad. You want them to pretty much feel like shit for what they did and so that the point get driven home you want to do something drastic so they realize the magnitude of your anger. You want their friends to realize that it is not okay to do this, maybe the other kids parents too! Your child will never ever do this again, they will be so embarrassed they will smarten up and behave themselves.  Sure it sounds like a great plan, but have you dealt with the issue at hand? Or have you just shown your power and ability to control your child?

Getting into a power struggle with a child, teen or really anyone isn't going to end well. When you get into power struggles someone always loses. Unless your goal as a parent is to be the winner and defeat your child this is not going to be a long term parenting system. Children who are under a heavy handed control system while they are children are likely going to look for this relationship their adult life. This may be in many form, could be continuing to need parental approval, a controlling spouse or work situation. Or they could swing the other way where once out from under the controlling roof they decide that they will be the one in control. They will typically look to be on the power side of the relationship and controlling those weaker or less then they are. Yes these are both extremes, though this is a reality of this kind of parenting. Intentionally shaming children into submission is abuse, and it can have major side effects.

Now many parents will say that they have tried it all and nothing is working, this is the only things that works. I ask you though how many times have you tried the other methods? Once, twice? Are you consistent in looking for respectful ways to speak and discipline your children? Now I mean appropriate discipline, where it is reasonable, simple, valuable,  and   practical?  The consequence should fit the offense. I know the desire to yell and threaten and remove any sort of fun is very tempting. Though is it going to teach the child anything? Consequences that are reasonable, simple, valuable and practical , that are done with the child and their growth as a person in mind go a lot further.

So stop the shame and thinks about the future. Would you want your children telling your friends about the things you do wrong? Would you want the fact that you need to be in diapers or forgot your tetth at home on the evening news? Just remember while you are the adult now and the one making the rules, one day the tables can flip and you will depend on your children. Where do you want your relationship to be?

Being a little different

Yup I am odd. I was really awkward as a kid and a teenager, heck as an adult. I have those awful embarrassing school photos, that people laugh at for years. I usually figured out trends as they were trending away. I was not cool or popular at all, I wasn't even on the uncool side, I was just different.




I wore hand me down clothes, that were very far out of style, and not the looping back cool items.  I didn't really feel pretty most of my childhood and teenaged years. I went through a long time just being invisible, or at least feeling that way. I went though phases of being bullied but mostly I was just ignored. It was hard never having any friends till I was a bit older. Elementary years sucked.
I went through a phase where I really tried to be like everyone else just so I could fit in somewhere. The problem was I became so many "people", that I really was still no one. I had trouble with a lot of basic social skills. I had a lot of trouble breaking out and meeting new people. I became afraid to be me, due to the fact I felt no one like the real me. I still have a problems with this in my adult life. I thought making friends in school was hard, try the real world it sucks.




I have a hard time conforming to one particular thing. I really am a bit of a mish mash of different things that I have liked along the way. I feel strongly about a number of things but I'm usually open to listening to others thoughts. Hey I really can't judge your for your wrong choices, they are yours to make. Yes I do think I am right for my life. Maybe not yours but it works for us.




I'm a bit sassy, I'm opinionated and I can be loud about stuff with people I know. Though usually I keep to myself with people who I don't know very well. I can appear rather shy to people who don't know me, and have even been called snobby.




I wear toe shoes and clothes that are comfortable. I'm usually pretty plain and not very noticeable. I used to have a hard time with being different but I have decided to embrace myself. Freckles and all! I'm who I am and that's not really going to change.

Humiliation in Schools? Is it okay?

Simple answer according to me NO. A big giant resounding NO! Recently i read this story on Yahoo,

Grade 3 student receives ‘catastrophe award’ for most homework excuses. I was honestly appalled by it, I couldn't believe that this was given out to a child. In this day and age where we are recognizing bullying and trying to put a stop to it, why is it okay for a teacher to do this to a child. I would love to think that maybe this was an isolated event, but no, a simple Google search will bring up thousands of results. Now I didn't go through every single one of them, I don't have that kind of time. Also my blood pressure I don't think would take the strain, and my blood pressure is usually just fine.
Now I really have thoughts on shame parenting. It doesn't work for us, it doesn't fly with me. Though I have tried it, in moments of desperation. I really don't see how shaming someone into doing something is going to be beneficial in the long run. Sure they may do it but it will not be with a willing heart, and likely with resentment.
I feel that as a society we really need to have a better understanding of supporting our children. Shaming them and embarrassing them is not a method to raise good functional members of society. It will just perpetuate society. Now I know there are many folks who think differently and that is your choice. Heck life would be pretty boring if we all agreed on everything.
What I do think more people should agree on it that when you are in a place of authority, you should uphold some sort of  appropriate behavior. Had it been a student that did this to another student it would not have been acceptable. Though for some reason when an adult does it. it should be seen as funny and acceptable. This is an awful double standard. We treat children as if they are greatly less than adults. You should remember they are the ones who are eventually going to be deciding which nursing home you go into.  Give them some respect and love and you will get it in return, eventually. Be the example for the next generation. If you don't like what you are seeing change it.
If we learn to treat others with love and respect life will work out. Working together like pieces of a puzzle. When forced they may go where you want them to go but it may not be where they belong.

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